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News and Views
According to Andy Rooney



Andy Rooney

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were, under the law.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

I don't think people should have the right to speak if they don't know what they're talking about.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is, we try the phone book.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

Obscenities ... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

The only people who say worse things about politicians than reporters do are other politicians.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper. --

From Native America

An old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 wolves. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

 

 

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