According to Andy Rooney
men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were,
under the law.
Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass
grow on the greens.
I don't think people should have the right to speak if they don't
know what they're talking about.
an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is, we
try the phone book.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things
they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About
98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that
no one ever reads.
Death is a distant rumor to the young.
Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using
Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it
could happen to you.
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think
that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time
cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted
even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember
us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest
of their lives.
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
Obscenities ... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't
think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart
people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one
of the boys.
People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree
with what they already believe.
Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich
person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of
people they wish they were one of.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business
because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the
opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and
final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a
tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat
it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred
to as 'progress', doesn't spread.
The only people who say worse things about politicians than reporters
do are other politicians.
The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine,
and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians
filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals
are bad enough.
There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total
of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling
we don't make any big ones.
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask
if they have any aged pepper. --
old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside
He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 wolves. One is Evil.
It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."