"A rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least."
The Interview with God

"When there is no penalty for failure, you get a lot of failure."
George Will

"If a man speaks his mind in a forest and no woman hears him is he still wrong?"
Sir Kenneth Robinson

"I went out and bought an Apple computer; it had a worm in it! I'm tellin' ya, I just don't get no respect!"
Rodney Dangerfield

"You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh. It's as simple as that"
Jay Leno

"Don't gamble! Take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it"
Will Rogers

"Oh no, not another life experience!"
A Bumper Sticker

"Beef! It's what's rotting in your colon!"
A Bumper Sticker

"Don't always believe everything you think!"
A Bumper Sticker

"If all the girls invited to the Yale prom were 'laid' end to end I wouldn't be surprised."
Dorothy Parker

"Every great accomplishment is at first impossible."
Unknown

"A group of scientists approached God with the declaration that He was no longer needed in the process of human creation, since they had recently uncovered His secret code to life.

He graciously accepted the pronouncement, but requested that they demonstrate to Him their new found technology.

Then, just as the lead scientist bent down to pick up some dirt, God said, 'Oh no, you don't! Get your own dirt!'"
Unknown

"You can get a lot farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word."
Al 'Scarface' Capone

"If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And, if it stops moving, subsidize it."
Ronald Reagan

"You spend a billion here and a billion there. Sooner or later it adds up to real money."
US Senator Everett Dirksen

"Tyrants and those of mediocre mind would deny access to information to the masses, whereas the peoples' interest is served, and democracy flourishes in the presence of more information."
Hari Singh Khalsa

"The mere act of teaching implies that one wishes the world well."
Roger Rosenblatt

"Happiness is when you have good health and a bad memory."
Albert Schweitzer

"If you cannot see God in all, you cannot see God at all."
Yogi Bhajan

"Ever wondered why your psychic never wins the lottery?" --

"I'm pro-choice about everything!" --

"The things we remember most are not things!" --

After three 2004 hurricanes in a row, a Floridian's perspective: "1 Charley, 2 Frances, 3 Ivan, 4 Sale!"

"It's God's responsibility to forgive bin Laden … It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting!"
United States Marine

 MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT

You are a Marine!

If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid.

Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire. This is why aircraft carriers are called, "Bomb Magnets".

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

Never forget your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

No plan survives the first contact, intact.

All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.

Try to look unimportant because the bad guys might be low on ammo.

If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.

The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

The important things are always simple.

The simple things are always difficult.

The easiest way is always mined.

If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Friendly fire - isn't.

If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU!

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

Beer math is: 2 beers x 37 men = 49 cases.

Body count math = 2 guerrillas + 1 portable + 2 pigs = 37 enemy KIA.

Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.

Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.

Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.

Tracers work both ways.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they are both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

OORRAH!

Murphy - A Marine Grunt 

Christmas Carols
for the Psychologically Challenged

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas.

Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

Full Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, and Maybe I'll tell You Why.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.

Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House.

Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House.

Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

Mary Christmas

"Whereas it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits and humbly to implore His protection and favor; and whereas both Houses of Congress have, by their joint committee, requested me to recommend to the people of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer, to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of
government for their safety and happiness;

"Now, therefore, I do recommend and assign Thursday, the twenty-sixth day of November next to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be; that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our service and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favorable interpositions of His providence in the course and
conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquility, union and plenty which we have since enjoyed; for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge; and, in general, for all the
great and various favors which He has been pleased to confer upon us.

"And also that we may unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations, and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions, to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our duties properly and punctually; to render our National Government as a blessing to all the people by constantly being a government of wise, just and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed; to promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among us; and, generally, to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as He alone knows to be best.

"Given under my hand, at the city of New York, the third day of October, AD 1789."
George Washington

"You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot help little men by tearing down big men.
You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
You cannot further brotherhood of man by encouraging class hatred.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves."
Abraham Lincoln

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed, and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".." --

"The three laws of prosperity:
Be kind to everyone.
Never speak ill of anyone.
Never speak ill of yourself."
Yogi Bhajan

21 Points To The Good Life

ONE. Give people more than they expect, and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, those conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly! No name-calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say, "Bless you," when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
Unknown

"The beatings stop when the morals improve."
Unknown

"Those who have never realized peace within themselves should not be allowed to negotiate for it."
Alfredo Steir-Younis

"Synergy: When 1 plus 1 equals 11."
H. S. Khalsa

"Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking at which they were created."
Albert Einstein

"It is not the life that matters, it is the courage you bring to it."
Yogi Bhajan

"Give the needs of your mate priority. One parent put it this way: 'A husband and wife are apt to be successful parents when they put their marriage first. Don't worry about the children getting second best. Child-centered households produce neither happy marriages nor happy children.'"
Ann Landers

" ... Debt at the rate of $1 a second. To pay back $1 million, he notes, would take just 12 days. To pay off $1 billion at the same pace would take 32 years. And to pay off $1 trillion ... 32,000 years. These figures are even more sobering when you recall that our nation is only 200 years old."
Economist

"The only dignified and effective response to extortion is violence." --

"A fool continues in his folly until he becomes wise." --

"Baroque is when you're out of Monèt!" --

"We do wish that the media would get over this craven concentration upon fear, particularly in connection with those people who were not involved in combat but were sitting home worrying. In our opinion, fear is a dirty word and refers to a natural response to life, which, like some other natural responses, should be kept very private. In our youth, the worst thing you could call a playmate was a coward - "scaredy cat" - and no matter how apprehensive you might be in your own mind, you were not permitted to show it, by your father, your mother, nor your playmates. Fear is quite natural, but in any person of consequence it is suppressed. Flaunting it in front of cameras or for reporters is disgusting -- rather comparable to soiling one's underpants. As the old Indian put it, "The first step in a successful life is the conquest of fear. Once that has been achieved, everything else falls into place." (That is our version of what the old man said in Yaqui.) --

"The one thing men dread most is death. I have always lived in its nearness and looked it in the face. So should every one of you who claim to follow me. I will ride to my death as a bridegroom does to the house of the bride. Do not grieve for me. For wheresoever are the Five Pure Ones dedicated to God, there my presence shall always be."
Guru Gobind Singh

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
- Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
- Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE
MARRIED?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE
IN COMMON?
"Both don't want any more kids."
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
- Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough for a second date."
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS
TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich."
- Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
- Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids. It's the right thing to do."
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE
DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
- Ricky, age 10
Kids - On the subject of Marriage

" ... So for heaven's sake, let's quit whimpering. In the great words of Edmund Vance Cooke:
"And though you be done to death, what then?
If you battled the best you could;
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why, the Critic will call it good.
Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce,
And whether he's slow or spry,
It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,
But only, how did you die?" --

"We are dumbfounded to hear about people who join the army without understanding that the purpose of an army is to fight. When you put on that uniform you run the implied risk of sudden, violent death. Doesn't everybody know that?" --

About marriage ...
"But let there be spaces in your togetherness ...
"Love one another, but make not a bond of love ...
"Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let
each one of you be alone ...
"And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in
each other's shadow."
From "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran

"Time: A unit of experience."
Hari Singh

"I don't like predictions, especially when the future is involved."
Yogi Berra

"Next fall, when you see geese heading South for the winter ... flying along in V formation ... you might consider what science has discovered as to why they fly that way:

"As each bird flaps its wings, it creates uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in V formation the whole flock adds at least 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.

"People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going more quickly and easily because they are traveling on the thrust of one another.

"When a goose falls out of formation it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone ... and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird in front.

"If we have as much sense as a goose we will stay in formation with those who are headed the same way we are.

"When the head goose gets tired it rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point.

"It is sensible to take turns doing demanding jobs with people or with geese flying South.

"Geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

"What do we say when we honk from behind?

"Finally ... and this is important ... when a goose gets sick, or it is wounded by gunshots, and falls out of formation, two other geese fall out with that goose and follow it down to lend help and protection. They stay with the fallen goose until it is able to fly, or until it dies; and only then do they launch out on their own, or with another formation to catch up with their group.

"If we have the sense of a goose we will stand by each other like that."
Dr. Harry Clarke Noyes

ANCIENT YOGIC FORMULAS FOR HEALTH
For the immune system:
Blend five jalapeno peppers in one glass of milk for 30 minutes. Drink this blend and repeat daily as necessary.

For the blood:
Include liberal amounts of raw onions, garlic and ginger in the daily diet. Cooking or processing these herbs will somewhat weaken their effectiveness and should be avoided, but is recommended in some cases.

Raw onions can be eaten, immediately after peeling, with salads and in sandwiches. They can also be used in many cooked dishes. Mix one cup of fresh onion juice and one cup of fresh mint tea and drink.

Raw garlic can be chopped and eaten, immediately after peeling, on toast, in salads, on pizza and may be added to many cooked dishes. Drink fresh garlic juice mixed with almond oil or mint tea.

Raw gingerroot can be sliced and boiled to make a tea. Boil four to five slices of fresh gingerroot in three cups of water, add honey to taste and drink as often as you like.

All three of these herbs can be sautéed together until lightly brown. Then add fresh black pepper and cook this mixture with mung beans and rice and may you be ... Healthy, Happy and Holy.
From 3HO - Healthy Happy Holy Organization

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or
Miss White America; and see what happens ... Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our Constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say, "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes

An old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 wolves. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
A Native American

"There's no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it."
Alfred Hitchcock

An Optical Puzzler
Check it out!