Birds of a feather flock together ... and then they crap all over your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman numeral for our number forty (40) is XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their 'odometers.' Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think about Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. It's true being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.