The 'Age' of truth!

This is the 'Age' of Truth

CAUTION!
Do not complete this exercise
if you do not want to know
Your True Age

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (More than once, but less than 10.)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply this by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1760 ... If you have not, add 1759.

6. Now, subtract the four digit year in which you were born.

Now, you should have a three digit number. The first digit of this is your original number, i.e., how many times you like to go out to restaurants in a week. The next two numbers are ... You guessed it ... Your real age!

OH YES, IT IS!

NOTE: THIS FORMULA WORKS
FOR THE YEAR 2010 ONLY.
AREN'T YOU GLAD?

"I aim to live forever. So far, so good."

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. The doctor
enters the examination room and says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample,
and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
"What did he say?" The wife yells back at him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS!"

And to help you act your age,
here's your 2010 Handbook.

     Health
Drink plenty of water.
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
Eat more foods that grow ON trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured IN plants.
Live with the three E's ... Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
Make time to meditate.
Play more games.
Read more books than you did in 2009.
Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
Sleep for 7 hours.
Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

     Personal
Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
Don't have negative thoughts about things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
Don't over do. Know your limits.
Don't take yourself seriously. No one else does.
Don't waste precious energy on gossip.
Dream more while you are awake.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your happiness in the present.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class, but the lessons learned will last a lifetime.
Smile and laugh more.
You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

     Social
Call your family often.
Each day give something good to others.
Forgive everyone for everything.
Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
Try to make at least three people smile each day.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

     Lifestyle
Do the right thing!
Don't believe everything you think.
Every moment is a gift. That's why it's called the Present.
Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
GOD heals everything. (See 'The Interview with God'.)
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
The best is yet to come.
When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD.
Your Inner Most is always happy. So, be happy

A 12 Point Program For Seniors

By Maxine

1. Preachers Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled, and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull over to the side of the road.

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Why Don't They Just Draft Guys Over 60?
By a former Marine

Let's take a new direction for any war: Only send vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ass hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and I never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY! How about recruiting women over 50 ... in their menopause! You think MEN have attitudes?

My God! If nothing else, put them in Border Patrol. They'll have the border secured the first night!