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'Quantum' Mechanics

Note: It takes a college degree to fly a plane,
but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas Airways pilots fill out a form called a 'Gripe Sheet,' which tells the aircraft mechanics about any problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (P) and the solutions recorded by the Mechanics (M).

BTW: Qantas Airways is the only major airline that has allegedly never, ever, had a major accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight, OK, except auto-land, very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
M: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Warned aircraft to straighten up and fly right.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Installed cat.

And the best for last:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

      


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