Bird Lite

Always look ahead!

There's always that ten percent!

"Ya know, this is a really fowl flick!"

Because I'm a man …

When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option, either. I will win!

And because I'm a man …
When the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.

And because I'm a man …
When I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

And because I'm a man …
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

And because I'm a man …
When one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

And because I'm a man …
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it … though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator … (applies to engineers mainly).

And because I'm a man …
There is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask!

And because I'm a man …
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too!

And because I'm a man …
You don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't … and if you are feeling amorous afterwards … then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

And because I'm a man …
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine! Can we just go, now?

And because I'm a man …
And this is, after all, the the 21st century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest … like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do. --

This has been a public service message because women need to do a better job of understanding men. See For men only.

(Pssst, Women! We settle for half.)
(Mature women only, click here.)