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    Who's On First!                    

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello

 

Abbott:  Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.

Costello:  Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott:  Right, certainly do.

Costello:  Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Abbott:  Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know, strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now-a-days, very peculiar names.

Costello:  You mean funny names?

Abbott:  Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, and …

Costello:  His brother Daffy?

Abbott:  Daffy Dean.

Costello:  And their French cousin.

Abbott:  French?

Costello:  Goofe’.

Abbott:  Goofe’ Dean. Oh, I see! Well let’s see, on the bags, we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third.

Costello:  That’s what I want to find out.

Abbott:  I say, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know’s on third.

Costello:  Are you the manager?

Abbott:  Yes!

Costello:  You going to be the coach, too?

Abbott:  Yes!

Costello:  And you don’t  know the fellow’s names?

Abbott:  Well, I should.

Costello:  Well, then who's on first?

Abbott:  Yes!

Costello:  I mean, the fellow’s name.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The guy on first.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The first baseman.

Abbott:  Who!

Costello:  The guy playing first base.

Abbott:  Who is on first.

Costello:  I’m asking you who’s on first!

Abbott:  That’s the man’s name.

Costello:  That’s whose name?

Abbott:  Yeah!

Costello:  Well, go ahead and tell me.

Abbott:  That’s it.

Costello:  That’s who?

Abbott:  Yeah!

(Pause)

Costello:  Look, you got a first baseman?

Abbott:  Certainly!

Costello:  Who’s playing first?

Abbott:  That’s right!

Costello:  When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott:  Every dollar of it.

Costello:  All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first base.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The guy that gets the money.

Abbott:  That’s it!

Costello:  Who gets the money on first base?

Abbott:  He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello:  Whose wife?

Abbott:  Yes. (Pause) What’s wrong with that?

Costello:  Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The guy!

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  How does he sign it?

Abbott:  That’s how he signs it!

Costello:  Who?

Abbott:  Yes!

(Pause)

      

 

 

 

 

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