Abbott:
Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know,
Bucky Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach
for as long as you’re on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must
know all the players.
Abbott: Right, certainly do.
Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have
to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing
on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names,
but you know, strange as it may seem, they give these ball players
now-a-days, very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names. Like,
Dizzy Dean, and …
Costello: His brother Daffy?
Abbott: Daffy Dean.
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofe’.
Abbott: Goofe’ Dean. Oh, I see! Well
let’s see, on the bags, we have Who’s on first, What’s
on second, and I Don’t Know is on third.
Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say, Who’s on first, What’s
on second, and I Don’t Know’s on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: You going to be the coach, too?
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: And you don’t know the fellow’s
names?
Abbott: Well, I should.
Costello: Well, then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: I mean, the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy playing first base.
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I’m asking you who’s on first!
Abbott: That’s the man’s name.
Costello: That’s whose name?
Abbott: Yeah!
Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yeah!
(Pause)
Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly!
Costello: Who’s playing first?
Abbott: That’s right!
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month,
who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s
name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets the money.
Abbott: That’s it!
Costello: Who gets the money on first base?
Abbott: He does, every dollar! Sometimes
his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott: Yes. (Pause) What’s wrong
with that?
Costello: Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the
first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?
Who's
On First! 
)
