Who's
On First!
Continues
Costello:
All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s
name on first base.
Abbott: No, What’s on second base.
Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second.
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well don’t change the players
around!
Costello: I’m not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: All I’m asking you ... who’s the guy
on first base?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: Okay.
Abbott: Alright.
(Pause)
Costello: What’s the guy’s name on first base?
Abbott: No, What is on second!
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second!
Abbott: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: Oh, he’s on third. We’re
not talking about him. Now let’s get back to first.
Costello: Now, how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Well, you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name,
who did I say’s playing third?
Abbott: No, Who’s playing first.
Costello: What’s on first?
Abbott: What’s on second.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: He’s on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again! Will you stay
on third base and don’t go off it?
Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who’s playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who
on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: You don’t want who on second?
Abbott: No, Who is on first.
Costello: I don’t know!
Both: Third base!
(Pause)
Costello: Look, you got outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott: Well I just thought I’d tell
you.
Costello: Then tell me who is playing left field.
Abbott: Who is playing first.
Costello: I’m not … Stay out of the infield!
I want to know, what’s the guy’s name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second.
Abbott: No, Who is on first.
Costello: I don’t know!
Both: Third base!
(Pause)
Costello: And left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why!
Costello: Because.
Abbott: No, he’s center field.
Costello: (Fumbles words loudly)
Abbott: Well that’s the fellow’s
name.
Costello: Look, look, look, you got a pitcher?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher’s name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?
Abbott: I’m telling you now.
Costello: Well go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me
who’s pitching?
Abbott: Now listen, Who is not pitching.
Who is on …
Costello: I’ll break your arm if you say who’s
on first! I want to know, what’s the pitcher’s name?
Abbott: What’s on second!
Costello: I don’t know!
Both: Third base!
(Pause... More. 
)
