Artery: the study of paintings
Bacteria: the back door of a cafeteria
Barium: what doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel: a letter like: a, e, i, o or u
Cesarean Section: a neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan: searching for a lost kitty
Cauterize: made eye contact with her
Colic: a sheep dog
D & C: where Washington is
Dilate: to live longer than expected
Enema: not a friend
Genital: not a Jew
G. I. Series: a soldier ball game
Hangnail: a coat hook
Impotent: distinguished, well known
Labor Pain: getting hurt at work
Medical Staff: a doctor's cane
Morbid: a higher offer
Nitrates: cheaper than day rates
Node: was aware of
Outpatient: a person who has fainted
Pap Smear: a fatherhood test
Pelvis: a cousin of Elvis
Postoperative: an undercover letter carrier
Recovery Room: a place to do upholstery
Rectum: dang near killed 'em
Seizure: a Roman emperor
Tablet: a small table
Terminal Illness: getting sick at the airport
Tumor: one more than one
Urine: the opposite of "you're out"
Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight
one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when
wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Garlic-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone
who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the
soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts
worn by Jewish men.
Bubba's wdros ... Can you raed tehm?
pheeanmonl poewr of the hmaun mnid is amnizag. I colud not
bvleiee taht I cluod atclauly usdnaretnd waht I was readnig.
Acrodncig to a recsehrear at Cbmadgrie Uinrtesivy, it deos
not metatr in waht oderr the lteters in a wrod are; the olny
iortmnpat tnihg is taht the fsirt and lsat lteter be in the
rihgt palce. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can stlil
raed it wtihuot a poblerm. Tihs is besuace the hmuan mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by iltesf, but rdaes the wodrs
as a wohle. Aminzag, and I was awalys taguht taht sllenipg
phenomenal power of the human mind is amazing. I could not
believe that I could actually understand what I was reading.
According to a researcher at Cambridge University, it does
not matter in what order the letters in a word are; the only
important thing is that the first and last letter be in the
right place. The rest can be a total mess and you can still
read it without a problem. This is because the human mind
does not read every letter by itself, but reads the words
as a whole. Amazing, and I was always taught that spelling
if you can usnrcmbael tshee.
a fsulh, the toielt bwol slohud get patallriy felild wtih
wtaer. The wetar enrets the bwol turhogh the ovlorfew ppie,
a vietacrl ppie in the mildde of the tnak. The wtear geos
itno the ofervolw ppie trgohuh a silm rbuber tbue form the
relfil vavle or blal ccok, whcih is at the lfet of the tnak.
Rmoeve the lid form the tleoit tnak and cchek the wtear lveel
wehn the tnak is cellmeptoy fleild; it shloud be auobt one
icnh beolw the top of the ooelvrfw tbue. If wtear in the tnak
is hhiger and is fwonlig itno the olrovefw ppie, it culod
eaiplxn why the wetar cnnouites to run forveer.
Friend, Forrest Gump,
day finally arrived. My old buddy, Forrest Gump, dies and
goes to Heaven. He's at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter,
the gatekeeper, meets him. The gates are closed, so Forrest
approaches the gatekeeper.
Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, glad to see you. We have heard
a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that this place
is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have
to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope
that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is
only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin
with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a
year? Third: What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now
that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell
me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in
the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that
is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I
guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that
answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest,
'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer
can be twelve.'
St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could
you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January
2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ...'
it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going
with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite
what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit
for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to
my first two questions, but just how in the world did you
come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS
WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
What do you call Santa's helpers?
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Why did the pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack ... "Dang!" A bad skydiver
goes, "Dang!" ... Whack.
How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Every smile is a direct achievement!