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Bubba's

Meticul Turms

Artery: the study of paintings

Bacteria: the back door of a cafeteria

Barium: what doctors do when a patient dies

Bowel: a letter like: a, e, i, o or u

Cesarean Section: a neighborhood in Rome

Cat Scan: searching for a lost kitty

Cauterize: made eye contact with her

Colic: a sheep dog

D & C: where Washington is

Dilate: to live longer than expected

Enema: not a friend

Fester: quicker

Genital: not a Jew

G. I. Series: a soldier ball game

Hangnail: a coat hook

Impotent: distinguished, well known

Labor Pain: getting hurt at work

Medical Staff: a doctor's cane

Morbid: a higher offer

Nitrates: cheaper than day rates

Node: was aware of

Outpatient: a person who has fainted

Pap Smear: a fatherhood test

Pelvis: a cousin of Elvis

Postoperative: an undercover letter carrier

Recovery Room: a place to do upholstery

Rectum: dang near killed 'em

Seizure: a Roman emperor

Tablet: a small table

Terminal Illness: getting sick at the airport

Tumor: one more than one

Urine: the opposite of "you're out"

Varicose: nearby

Vein: conceited

From Bubba's Dictionary

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Garlic-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


Bubba's Wailing Wall

Bubba's wdros ... Can you raed tehm?

The pheeanmonl poewr of the hmaun mnid is amnizag. I colud not bvleiee taht I cluod atclauly usdnaretnd waht I was readnig. Acrodncig to a recsehrear at Cbmadgrie Uinrtesivy, it deos not metatr in waht oderr the lteters in a wrod are; the olny iortmnpat tnihg is taht the fsirt and lsat lteter be in the rihgt palce. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can stlil raed it wtihuot a poblerm. Tihs is besuace the hmuan mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by iltesf, but rdaes the wodrs as a wohle. Aminzag, and I was awalys taguht taht sllenipg was itoapmnrt.

Bbbua's wrdos usnrcmbaeld.

The phenomenal power of the human mind is amazing. I could not believe that I could actually understand what I was reading. According to a researcher at Cambridge University, it does not matter in what order the letters in a word are; the only important thing is that the first and last letter be in the right place. The rest can be a total mess and you can still read it without a problem. This is because the human mind does not read every letter by itself, but reads the words as a whole. Amazing, and I was always taught that spelling was important.

See if you can usnrcmbael tshee.

Aetfr a fsulh, the toielt bwol slohud get patallriy felild wtih wtaer. The wetar enrets the bwol turhogh the ovlorfew ppie, a vietacrl ppie in the mildde of the tnak. The wtear geos itno the ofervolw ppie trgohuh a silm rbuber tbue form the relfil vavle or blal ccok, whcih is at the lfet of the tnak. Rmoeve the lid form the tleoit tnak and cchek the wtear lveel wehn the tnak is cellmeptoy fleild; it shloud be auobt one icnh beolw the top of the ooelvrfw tbue. If wtear in the tnak is hhiger and is fwonlig itno the olrovefw ppie, it culod eaiplxn why the wetar cnnouites to run forveer.

Bubba's Friend, Forrest Gump,

Goes To Heaven

The day finally arrived. My old buddy, Forrest Gump, dies and goes to Heaven. He's at  the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter, the gatekeeper, meets him. The gates are closed, so Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, glad to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that this place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is  good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ...'

''Hold it,' interrupts St.  Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Bubba's

Nonsents Kwiz

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.


Why did the pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack ... "Dang!" A bad skydiver goes, "Dang!" ... Whack.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

                  
Every smile is a direct achievement!

     


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