The New Economic Realty

EFFECTIVE: MARCH 1, 2009
FROM: THE OFFICE OF BUDGET MANAGEMENT
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: TODAY'S ECONOMIC REALITIES

NEW DRESS CODE:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

If you are seen wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, it's assumed you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

A doctor's statement is no longer seen as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. These are otherwise known as Saturdays and Sundays.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. Management will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

BATHROOM BREAKS:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After a second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Other folks are cutting costs, so can we! See SUGGESTIONS below for your consideration. All employees are required to submit their cost-saving suggestions by March 15, 2009.

Remember: Management is here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, aggravations, irritations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input other than submitting the above suggestions should be directed elsewhere.

And BTW: Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

The OBM Management Team --

Sent from the OBM Verizon Wireless BlackBerry aboard the OBM Team Jet.

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Hoorah! Go Team!