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PartnersNotParents.com

MySense


Hari Singh Bird

Adult children are their parents'
partners, not their parents.

"One of the most painful things that a family can go through other
than losing a child to death, is for that child to become an adult and
then disown and estrange themselves from their parents." Source.

Points to ponder for parents and their adult children.

Some time ago I was made aware of a Sikh parent who received an emotional and hurtful phone call from one of their adult children at which time the elderly parent, 25 years the child's senior, was criticized for expressing their personal views; chastised with negative and inaccurate assertions about their personal affiliations; and arrogantly scolded for making public statements online regarding the hypocritical practice of many Sikh community members related to the teachings of the First Master, Guru Nanak, and the directives of the Tenth Master, Guru Gobind Singh.

The estranged parent listened without interruption until the end of the child's monologue. When the child had nothing more to say the parent attempted to respond whereupon the child proclaimed that they already knew what the parent had to say and promptly hung up the phone.

"Organizations, especially religious organizations,
invariably adopt tribal, even narcissistic tendencies."

This adult child's unfortunate behavior brings to mind how especially tribal-minded people can be after a long association with a tribal and narcissistic organization, which religious organizations especially tend to be, whereupon there is extreme resistant to change and whereby meaningful discourse is impossible because any feedback from outside the tribe is blocked or rejected.

In this instance the parent/child relationship has remained estranged to the point where only the parent's love from a afar is possible, and retaliation from the child is ongoing instead of making opportunities for enlightened and open dialogue. Regardless of whether it is both parents or just one, the results for the estranged parent (parents) adversely impacts much of their life. Stay tuned.

ESTRANGED PARENTS OF ADULT CHILDREN

 
When adult children disown themselves from their parents.

Mothers are most affected.

There appears to be a "hidden epidemic" of this phenomena going on today in America perhaps even worldwide. While it does affect the estranged parent no matter what their sex, there is evidence that it is happening to mothers more than fathers.

Maybe this is due to the fact that mothers are the "nurturers" and are usually the primary care givers of their children during their growing years. And in the case of domestic violence, they may also be the "victims" of their abusive partners at the same time they are trying to raise their children. So for a mother to be nurturing and protecting of her children while she is living in fear and in an explosive environment, is a tall order for any woman to meet. Although most try.

ADULT CHILDREN OF ESTRANGED PARENTS
NEED TO ACT AS PARTNERS NOT PARENTS

There are as many reasons why estranged adult children cut off their parents as there are grains of sand in the ocean. The list is endless, some of it is justified, most of it is not. Here are just two reasons that some folks may use to explain an adult child's actions.

.) Some parents do such a good job of raising their children that they do too much. Many of these adult children have now become narcissists who care only about themselves. They have become cruel and heartless towards the very people that got them where they are today. They have turned into "people we don't know" or "people we love, but don't like anymore." In fact, many estranged parents feel like their adult children are complete strangers when they used to be close and maybe even their best friend.

"Give the needs of your mate priority. One parent
put it this way: 'A husband and wife are apt to be
successful parents when they put their marriage
first. Don't worry about the children getting second
best. Child-centered households produce neither
happy marriages nor happy children.' " Ann Landers

.) An adult [narcissistic] child takes something that the parent said or did, and misinterprets what was meant or done, and does not listen to any explanation ["feedback from outside the tribe is blocked or rejected"], which could clear up their misinterpretation. They do not talk with the parent ["meaningful discourse is impossible"], forgive the parent, or even allow for any latitude for reconciliation. The estranged parent finds themselves between a rock and a hard place.

Estrangement can also be a gradual "falling away" that takes place over weeks, months, and sometimes years, or it can be "sudden" and by surprise. It may be "on again, off again" so that the estranged parent feels like they are walking on egg shells, not knowing when the next hurtful comment will be made, the next abusive email or scolding phone call will come, or the next "slam the door in your face" will happen.

Adult [narcissistic] children may stop emailing; or answering emails; or they won't call or accept phone calls; they block the estranged parent's emails or Facebook; or block or change their phone number; they threaten the parent with a restraining order if they come near them or their house; they refuse to let them see the grandchildren; they don't invite them to their wedding; their baby shower; their college graduation; pretty much every single "once in a life-time event" in their lives they are excluded from.

The estranged parent is not welcome at births; weddings; funerals; grandkids birthdays; New Year's Day; Baisakhi Day; Thanksgiving Day; etc. Estranged parents are not called on their birthday; or Mother's Day; Father's Day; or on holidays. They have to rely on other people to tell them what their estranged child is doing or even what they look like anymore. Is it any wonder that estranged parents can be angry; depressed; confused; and feel hopeless and lost? -- Source.

BILL OF RIGHTS
FOR PARENTS OF ADULT CHILDREN

.) The Right to Be Free from Verbal, Emotional and Physical Abuse

.) The Right to Be Guilt-Free

.) The Right to Peace of Mind

.) The Right to Have Reasonable Expectations

.) The Right to Be Imperfect

.) The Right to Decide What to Do with Your Own Money

.) The Right to Decide What to Do with Your Time

.) The Right of Selective Association

.) The Right to Retirement

.) The Right to Say "No" -- Source.

How to deal with toxic adult children... Love them from afar.

If you do identify someone in your life as a narcissist (see classic signs),
the single best thing you can do is to love them from afar. Loving them from
afar does not mean that you completely shut them out of your life, although
this is an effective strategy for some, especially those in extreme situations, but
rather, that you withdraw some of your energy and instead of actively engaging,
you hold space for them in hopes that someday, they will change
. -- Source.

“It is incumbent on those who know to teach those who do not know.
This is what's known as service." ToServeIsToSucceed.com
 

See Parent Abuse.

See SikhTribes.com.

See SikhsShine.com.

See Turbanators.com.

See DualityOptics.com.

See Buzz Aldrin Sues Kids.

See Tribalism From The Top.

See When Children Abuse Parents.

See Elder Abuse By Adult Children.

See It's All About Me Not About You.

MoreSense


Hari Singh BIrd

Tribalism, for those who dare.

Sat Nam! My experience is whenever the subject of tribalism comes up in conversation many people, especially Sikhs, relate to it as if tribalism is a four-letter word. 'Tribalism' for many evokes a negative response, a psychological reaction, an emotional squirming, if you will. If you are one of these folks, I challenge you to watch this video, to look within, and to come face to face with your sensibilities.

BTW: Discourse on this subject is not meant to stir up feelings of guilt. It is meant to drive people to action against injustice. Question: Are we mature enough to sit down and discuss issues to do with tribalism, racereligion, and gender? -- See Tribalism From The Top.

"Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking,
and its greatest failures by not talking." Stephen Hawking



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