Patrick
went to Los Angeles for a weekend and returned with a beautiful and
very charismatic woman who asked us to call her Mataji. She wore long
white gowns, her dark hair hung loosely down her back, she smiled
often and looked at us with the deepest brown eyes I had ever seen. She
hugged everybody and often touched people as she spoke with them,
on the cheek, shoulder or hands. It was not sexual but felt very intimate. She
was a gifted teacher and took over yoga classes, adding new exercises
and group activities. Patrick seemed like a boy in love, following
her every move and losing himself in her eyes.
I had never met a woman who was beautiful, feminine and affectionate
and, at the same time, powerful, focused and a strong teacher. All
she had to do was smile at me and I was ready to follow her anywhere.
I was convinced she was some kind of goddess.
One day Yogiji’s picture on the altar at the ashram looked different.
It appeared to be Yogiji but his beard was a little lighter, he did
not look so angry and his turban was not as crisp. Patrick explained
that the picture was of our new teacher, Babaji, and that we were
no longer students of Yogi
Bhajan.
Oh, wow, just like that, I had a new teacher! Wait a minute. Can
you do that? What would Yogiji have to say? Could one so easily change
teachers like a new set of clothes? It didn’t seem right, but
what did I know? I was still very much a novice and this whole
ashram, spiritual lifestyle thing was new. Besides, Patrick was my
yoga teacher and head of the ashram. If he said it was so, it must
be true.
So we embarked on the weirdest two weeks of my spiritual journey. But
for my faith in God and the grace and protection of my teacher, I
easily could have lost everything.
Who was Babaji? Mataji explained. Babaji was her husband and her spiritual
master. He was one of Yogiji’s first students who had surpassed
his former teacher and had achieved enlightenment. He was a clear
link to the Infinite and had channeled special mantras and the “Exercises
for the Aquarian Age." We would begin practicing these immediately.
First we learned “Star Pose." We stood with our legs spread
wide apart, our arms stretched out to the side. We were to inhale
and exhale deep and powerfully. The usual result was after three to
five minutes of the deep breathing we simply passed out and fell down.
In another exercise we started sitting on our heels with our head
down. With a powerful inhale we stood up on our knees, arms up and
leaning back, then exhaling powerfully back down. After three minutes
we were to inhale and hold. The result was almost everybody passed
out. Sometimes we fell in awkward positions, often jerking for a few
seconds, while the oxygen imbalance adjusted itself. Mataji explained
that three minutes of one of these exercises was more powerful than
a full hour of Kundalini
Yoga.
I
remember a yoga class in the park with about thirty people. We
sat in a circle and did one of the exercises described above while
holding hands. We inhaled together, came up on our knees, raised our
arms and leaned back. Then we exhaled, bent forward and placed our
foreheads on the ground. After three minutes of deep breathing we
were already dizzy. Patrick told us to inhale up and hold. I
came up but did not inhale deeply or hold. Everyone else did. The
whole class came up on their knees, raised their arms high, leaned
back and held their breath. I sat there and watched. Most people in
the class passed out. It was sort of like watching a line of dominoes
fall. Most ended up on the ground, some convulsed for a few moments
while the oxygen re-balanced in their system.
The result of passing out due to oxygen imbalance was a dizzy, spaced
out feeling. Some in the class really liked it and were convinced
they were experiencing an elevated state of consciousness. I did not
like it at all. I was taught that Kundalini
Yoga was the Yoga of Awareness. What we were practicing seemed
to me to be the yoga of unconsciousness. These types of exercises
became known as “jerk yoga." Not only did it cause people's
bodies to jerk when they passed out, but in my case, I felt like a
jerk doing it.
One of our new mantras was, “God help me." I tried it
once then refused to do it again. It had no resonance. It made me
feel separate from God rather than one with God. I did not like the
idea that I needed help. During this time I continued to go up to
the mountains by myself and do the long Ek
Ong Kar chant.
Patrick and Mataji announced one morning that they were returning
to Los Angeles to be with Babaji. They encouraged us to join them.
None of us were able to leave on a moment's notice. They left Babaji's
picture on the altar and told us to continue to practice the "Exercises
for the Aquarian Age."
We felt like abandoned orphans. What should we do? Over the next couple
of days half the ashram residents left. Those of us who stayed drifted
apart. We maintained the afternoon Kundalini
Yoga class in the park. After a few days we called the Phoenix
ashram and told them what had happened.
Next day Babadon, the teacher in
Phoenix showed up. He was a large man with a full brown beard. He
walked around the ashram barely disguising his disgust. We told him
the whole story and demonstrated the "Exercises for the Aquarian
Age." He must have thought that we were total fools who had abandoned
Yogiji and
somehow disgraced our teacher.
He explained that Babaji was Jim
Baker, founder of Source
Restaurant in Los Angeles and leader of the Source Family. He
was an early student of Yogiji's who had turned away from his spiritual
teacher. His ego was too big. He could not accept Yogiji's teaching
or commit to a spiritual practice. He was caught in the biggest trap
of the spiritual path, spiritual ego. He thought he was more advanced
than his teacher.
Jim Baker aka Yahowha
(L) Jim Baker prior to the '60s with his mother (R) Jim Baker
aka Yahowha
Source Family Residence
This
was not the first time I had heard of spiritual ego. Dawson used to
talk about it in his classes. He warned that it was the worst pitfall
on the spiritual path. The only way to avoid spiritual ego was to
develop true humility. Otherwise you think you are becoming a great
spiritual being and people should worship you. He even said that one
who falls into spiritual ego is reincarnated in the next lifetime
as a cockroach.
In the words of Yogiji, "When a teacher misses the style of life
bestowed on him, the path of being a teacher, next life is a cockroach.
There is no bigger ego, insanity, logic, reason, than a spiritual
ego. A man with spiritual ego will put forth all the logic and reason
to justify that which he already knows is consciously wrong."
Wow! How easily we were duped, but what a relief. The lovey-dovey,
touchy feely, goo-goo eyed spirituality that Mataji showered us with
never felt right. The exercises were forced, the mantras concocted
and even Mataji, as much as I thought she was beautiful, seemed to
be putting on an act. It wasn't real.
How long would it have taken me to figure it out for myself? I wondered
if I would have ever figured it out. Even if I had figured it out,
could I have turned away? How easily I fell prey to their sugar coated
spirituality. I felt betrayed. They had deliberately misled me, tried
to sway me to their trip and I had been a willing participant. There
were dangers on this spiritual path. I had jumped in with a naïve
faith in the goodness of spiritually minded people with my eyes wide
shut. It was time to wake up and get real.
This was my first brush with spiritual charlatans. It opened my eyes
to the fact that students on the spiritual path need to beware. There
were all kinds of nuts out there who may appear spiritual but instead
take advantage of the openness and innocence of the spiritual seeker.
How does one protect himself? How does one know?
Of course it led to my questioning my own path. Was Yogiji real? Was
my practice of Kundalini Yoga real? For that matter, was I real? How
could I know? I waded through a molasses of confusion, questions and
self doubt. There was no one to turn to for answers and I didn't have
the self confidence or experience to make those judgments myself.
What I did was keep up. Yogiji always said, "Keep up and you
will be kept up." Andy, I and a small group from the ashram
kept up our spiritual practice. We did yoga together in the afternoon
and chanted long Ek
Ong Kar in the morning. It worked. Nobody freaked out. We had
energy and elevation to carry us through this difficult period.
We did the right thing. But before we get too self-congratulatory,
let us not forget Yogiji. His protection and grace surrounded us,
even if we were not aware of it. When I was convinced Mataji was some
highly evolved spiritual being and I would have followed her anywhere,
Yogiji was there, guiding us and helping in subtle and unknown ways. Such
is the blessing of a real spiritual teacher.
We did the right thing. But before we get too self-congratulatory,
let us not forget Yogiji. His protection and grace surrounded us,
even if we were not aware of it. When I was convinced Mataji was some
highly evolved spiritual being and I would have followed her anywhere,
Yogiji was there, guiding us and helping in subtle and unknown ways. Such
is the blessing of a real spiritual teacher.
A
couple of years later I was in Los Angeles for Yogiji's birthday party.
It was a big feast at a local auditorium with lots of singing, stories
and, of course, an inspiring talk by Yogiji. During the meal Jim
Baker with fifty or more of his followers marched in all dressed
in long white robes and made their way to Yogiji's seat. Oh, beautiful,
I thought, Jim Baker brought his whole flock to honor Yogiji. Unfortunately
this was not the case. As the group approached Yogiji, all talking
stopped and a heavy tension filled the room.
Yogiji welcomed the group and invited them to sit down and enjoy food.
Jim, still standing, announced that he was God and that Yogiji should
recognize him. I was appalled. It was pure spiritual ego and nothing
else. “Yogiji put his palms together and said, "Sat
Nam, I recognize the God within you as I recognize the
God within all." Then he said pointedly, "It is good to
act as God and serve the God in all. Then the blessings of God will
be with you. But if you claim to act as God and expect everyone to
bow to you, then the wrath of God will be upon you." I shuddered
to think what the wrath of God was. After a few minutes Jim Baker
and his followers left.
Yogiji stepped up on the stage and led the singing of his poem, "We
are the people, the people of love. Let us people love today."
We all joined together in an open hearted and moving rendition, singing
for more than an hour and transforming the tension into a beautiful
experience.
Jim Baker and his group moved to Hawaii where one difficulty followed
another until Jim fell to his death in a hang gliding accident and
the group dispersed. Yikes! Spiritual ego, the wrath of God, the spiritual
path had a dark side. Yogiji used to say the spiritual path was finer
than a hair's breadth and sharper than a razor's edge. How easy it
was to fall. The story of Jim Baker made it real.
Meanwhile,
back in Tucson, the remnants of the ashram struggled to hold it together.
Several days after his first visit, Babadon
showed up again, this time with a young man named Sandy along
with his wife. Sandy was to be our new teacher. He and his wife moved
into Patrick's old room at the ashram.
Sandy had been practicing Kundalini
Yoga in Taos, New Mexico for four weeks. By this time we had been
practicing for 3 months. Was this guy qualified to be our teacher?
His repertoire of yoga exercises was limited. He was not very well
stretched out. He was no Patrick. School would be out in a couple
of weeks. I could handle that. Then I would be off to New Mexico.
His wife never did yoga. She did not dress in white and seemed to
come from a very straight background. Her passion seemed to be stray
animals. Within a week of their moving in, the back yard was full
of dogs collected from around town. She spent a good portion of each
day taking them on walks. During the warm spring nights we used to
sleep in the back yard. Now you could barely walk back there without
stepping in poop. How she ended up in a yoga lifestyle still baffles
me. Needless to say, she did not last.
Sandy's first order of business was to repaint the sadhana room. White
represents purity. The ashram is a spiritual place and should be white.
It was only 30 days earlier that we had painted the trim with all
the colors of the rainbow. It was with some sadness that we climbed
back up the ladders to white out our beautiful colors. His saving
grace was his beautiful guitar playing and heavenly voice. He reestablished
group sadhana and energized yoga classes by singing mantras accompanied
by his guitar. Music can touch people, even a negative camper like
me.
Jemez Mountains
Within
an hour of the end of my last final exam for the semester I was out
on the road hitchhiking to Santa Fe. I arrived in the middle of Dawson
and Karen's yoga class. They welcomed me and drove me out to their
property south of town. I set up my tent, meditated and watched the
sun set behind the Jemez Mountains
to the west. Finally I was at Maharaj Ashram. I was home. --
Chapter Eight is next.